“We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
Today, Tuesday April 24th, is going to be one heck of a challenging day; I at least know that much mentally, though I have no clue physically how today is going to be. What makes today different from any other day where I struggle with pain and just getting myself through each hour of the day? Why is this different than any other day of my week? Well for starters I should have been going in for surgery today. Surgery that held a hope, that is now pushed a bit further into the future.
This may sound like a trivial matter, and maybe if my days were not full of pain and dysfunction and I had not been at this for such a lengthy period of time it would be. However, that is not the case, and therefore this day was one that was worthy of a countdown. It held a certain promise, that being the hope of eventually having one leg that was functional and relatively painless (I understand this day will come but that’s the future… it does not help now). Surgery is only the beginning to that journey, but the point is that there is a beginning. Now, where it is postponed to sometime in the next several months that “beginning” does not happen and that hope is temporarily taken away, with no notice of when it is to return. Without a beginning I wait at the start of the race, and do not move in any direction towards the finish; rather just wandering at the beginning with a stack of unanswered questions.
I am frustrated beyond belief. I am stuck here with one left leg not functioning and one right hip that is rapidly getting progressively worse. I am prevented from actively moving forward with my schooling, not by choice, but as a result of circumstance. It would not be a wise choice to try to go against this. I do not feel like my days are productive even if I do a bunch of things, simply because they are not the things that I want to do with my life. Now I sit here, its nearly 3:45 am and for every other surgery I had left home by 4am; I would have been leaving soon.
The funny thing is, as I sit here I have that same sick sinking butterflies in the stomach feeling in my gut that I get on surgery morning. I am dreading today, and all those that follow it; the days that will continue to be filled with pain and uncertainty that I have no control over. To make matters worse I am doing something in the evening that I should not have been a part of. This just reminds me of where I should have been, that I should have been in surgery, that I should have been taking a step beyond the beginning and moving forward… yet now I am not. For me to be there, is hurting me in many ways, although I am glad to be there to support her with all my heart, I am truly being hurt in the process.
I wish that it were possible to let you all in, to allow you a glimpse into the difficulties that lie in today and the days that await me between now and an unknown surgery date. To see how difficult each and every day is mentally and physically, and to show you how much the little things count. When people are genuine, caring and take the time to step outside the box and reach out to help me, it means the world to me. To give me time that they don’t have, whether that be writing me a very long and detailed message (you know who you are), skyping for a while or meeting me for a few hours for breakfast or coffee, or just a walk (or crutch) in the park to talk over things that some of you have heard me discuss time and time again (was that a long enough run on sentence!). These are the little things, and these help me through especially in times like this. Though at moments these things can also become overwhelming, and it takes a special person to know just when to be there and when to let me breathe.
Today is a difficult day. Breathe Em, breathe. The day will go on, you will get through, though hurting more mentally and physically by the end, you will make it. Just Breathe.