Before I begin: warning, this is a jumbled mess of thoughts, maybe its post blizzard, lack of blogging sickness, word vomit, whatever you want to call it, i’ve got no clue, but enjoy!
Snow filled doorway. Post Nemo.
Alright, and we are back online, a week after the winter blizzard Nemo hit the northeast. I spent the weekend (Fri- Mon) at a friends house with her and her kids for the weekend which was fabulous. But in the midst of all the snow I completely neglected my blog. For those of you reading who do not live up here in beautiful New England, where I live was blessed with two plus feet of snow in just one night’s snowstorm. It was gorgeous but it also made traveling and anything else very difficult for the weekend. Anyhow, after all that I am back and here to uphold my promise of keeping up with my blog.
Last week ended on a rough note, which resulted in a tough start to the week. I met with my surgeon and the news was not exactly what either my surgeon or I want to be discussing at any point in time let alone then. The right hip is the easiest thing to start with because it is progressing since the surgery in November, slowly gaining strength and function. It is not quite to full weight bearing. The most significant complication on that side remains to be the heterotopic ossification (basically bone forming abnormally in soft tissue)… or as my surgeon says, “oh f*#@” and the question we both have is why the heck is that even happening to such a large extent. Pain is getting better, though still bad through the front of my hip where the HO and the screws are. Rare complication… haha saying that basically indicates that we can expect it to happen to me.
Too many Nemo pictures to share for one post!
The left is another story. Take everything that you know and imagine your entire world, literally everything but the people you know and the places you go, being flipped around. You can’t get around without help from crutches or a wheelchair, and you have a brace on a leg to keep your foot in the right position so that its less likely to trip you (though not guaranteed) and another to keep your knee from crumbling under you. You lose every “normal” way of doing most of the activities you used to, your passion (in my case dancing), your recreational things, skating, skiing, hockey, running, biking etc. Of course you still have your sedentary pastime hobbies, but even some of those are made difficult. Cake decorating, you can’t carry the cakes, or stand up to get at the right angle, or even sit in a position that creates pain because then your hands shake. Its hard to reach anything that’s not on the lower shelves, or out on the counter. I mean lets face it you are about as tall as the average 7 year old. So this is what we felt like when we were that little huh.
Snow like this… is awesome, but difficult without my own two feet!
Anyways, back to painting this picture for you. Going out becomes difficult in anything but sunny weather. Snow requires that “4 wheel drive” be put on the bottom of my crutches which is great outside, but does not agree with tile floors inside entry ways… I learned that one the hard way. And at the moment being in a wheelchair is difficult to get anywhere in the snow on my own. Meeting people for lunch or coffee or a fun outing takes into consideration, are there stairs, is it accessible to crutches or a wheelchair. Even school comes into consideration, as you start to wonder if the path that you are on is conducive to being stuck on crutches, if you are ready to fight all the battles that are on that path ahead. Not that there any any paths without battles, but certainly some have less than others.
But here’s the thing; even though there really doesn’t seem to be an upside to this, besides the fact that I am alive and I still have people who are supporting me, sharing their love and care each and every day, there is one thing that I have come to realize. Uncertainty is going to be a part of this, and it’s not going to go away, the key is to find people who are willing to work with it. Days where I am in tears and can’t really get much out are going to occur, and I have to surround myself with people who understand that sometimes the waterworks just need to run until there is nothing left. The fact is I can’t really look forward more than a week’s time, which means that things planned in any more advance, may have to change. Major things like school and where I live can be decided, but with the acknowledgement that there must be flexibility there and that it will change constantly (this has held all too true over the past 4 years). No matter how much I plan, how much I worry about what to finish my degree in, or when I am going to finish, what career path I want to jump on, I really have no control, as its already all decided. Yes I do believe in the fact that each and every one of us has a planned path, which goes right along with the belief that everything happens for a reason. These two ideas are extremely hard for me to accept with a situation like mine, or anything difficult because seriously I mean who wants to believe that those things happen for a reason, right? But what else are you going to believe, how else do you find a beacon in the midst of a sea of struggle? You don’t. You can only tell yourself for so long that its temporary, before that starts to be an invalid reasoning.
Delight in the little things. Isn’t that what people always tell us. Value today, appreciate what is right in front of you,
Delicious cookies Made this week with a good friend of mine!
find the good in your situation, make the best of where you are. Those phrases are all fine and dandy and easy to say, but I for one have found they are damn hard to execute. We are all human and those things are all almost counter intuitive to the society that we have been raised in. The best you can do is attempt to live life this way and I guess that is all that can be asked from any one of us. My little things this week… hmm. Baking muddy buddy cookies (basically a peanut butter cookie covered in chocolate and powdered sugar, sure to solve any craving that you may have), playing the piano a bit, putting together a bouquet of flowers for a friend, and having one week free of any hospital visits (the first since my surgery)!
My current feeling—still persiting– after meeting with my surgeon a week ago, is as though all the doors and windows have been shut and I am left sitting, suffocating, in a closed room. Hope seems to have escaped, unless its hiding in one of the dark corners, terrifying to feel trapped even within
Another small thing to add delight to my day.. photography, this one of a beautiful flower from a bouquet in the house
yourself. As I have asked some of you, have you ever reached the end of your rope only to find that there is no knot at the end to hang on to? (and no its not a round circle rope, as a funny uncle of mine suggested of course eliciting a smile from me) You hang on for all you are worth to find some shred that lets you know something is going to be ok, something is going to work out in the end. It’s the worst feeling I have ever felt, a feeling of ambiguous loss that I was not really sure was possible.
But life goes on, and each day drags on with things to do, tasks to complete and people to see, whether I can walk, wheel or crutch around. As my surgeon said, you know the rule that things come in threes? Yes I said, all too well, and I think we are up to about 300. In the hip world, torture hour (physical therapy) starts next week. I wrote to my PT and she just said FUBAR in regards to my situation. For those of you who don’t know, “effed Up Beyond All Repair”, to which she finished that with Em, I don’t think this is going to be your year. Ha, let torture hours commence.
When it rains, it pours, it blizzard?… pull out the rain boots, coat, umbrella, hat and mittens, shovel what ever you need and go weather the storm. It may seem to last an eternity, but life says it can’t last forever.
In the end I know that I always have a best friend waiting for me at the end of the day no matter what my mood, happy, sad, confused, frustrated, anything is fine with him!