Tag Archives: goals

Torture Hour Resumes

Posted by emi2hips in Hip Journey and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

-Thomas Edison

We all knew this day was coming, physical therapy, better known as torture hour was bound to resume at some point following my leave from rehab; that day was yesterday. In many ways I am glad to be back and actively working with another person to facilitate the best recovery possible for both of my hips. I have been working on my right leg/ hip on my own since being home from rehab, but there is something about working with someone, collaborating if you will on making the recovery not just mediocre but optimal. Of course there is the trade off of increased pain, but its all a welcomed challenge.

Yesterday, was my second day driving (the first was Monday to meet a good friend for coffee and then to drive up to the

I came across this other day and found it wildly appropriate. Never thought of hope, as H.O.P.E.

I came across this other day and found it wildly appropriate. Never thought of hope, as H.O.P.E.

clinic), which has a certain freedom with it. Its unbelievable how good it felt to be the one that got myself from point A to point B. It’s a big milestone in all of this. I pulled up at the all too familiar PT clinic (I’ve been here since I was 15– of  course this has been interrupted by my few months here and there at PT in VT, but overall I have been at this clinic), and headed in through the front door; it was as though I has never left. Everyone said “hi” to me except for the few new faces that I didn’t recognize, which made me feel welcomed and cared for, more than just a person. Some commented on how they had watched me on the Today Show in June and others asked how the recovery was going. I filled out the all too familiar paperwork, with all my previous surgeries, the functional analysis sheet amongst the signatures for consent to treat and such. Then my PT came out front to meet me and I could not have been happier to see her. “Did you miss me?!” I said with a big smirk, and she just gave me a hug, and I thought to myself everything is going to be ok, I’m “home” in a sense of where I am for the rehab aspect of this.

We went through the ROM of both my legs. One thing to understand is that I used to have far more flexion and external rotation (ER, flexion at 90, and turning the hip out) than a normal person due to the anatomy of my hip joint and I had almost no internal rotation (IR flexion at 90 turning the hip in). Now my ER is much less than it was, and the IR is increased and is slowly approaching the normal range (though not quite there). Flexion is decreased big time, where both legs just barely make it to 90… which is just enough for a person to function, ie sit, go upstairs, ride a bike. As she went through my functional analysis sheet, I said, “yup its kind of sad I am not very functional.” It’s a scale of 0-5 and I have nothing above a 3… and the only things at 3 are getting in a car, putting my shoes on, and sitting for an hour. She laughed and replied, “what?! You mean to tell me you aren’t doing squats?” Well… of course I do them every day I said joking along. I can barely walk let alone do squats! As she went through the strength testing with both legs, my right was much stronger than the left; with the left I can not even initiate most movements and I just got extremely frustrated with myself (a common feeling in this process).

funny little illustration of a bent knee fall out which I can do on the right, but the left is a total fail.

funny little illustration of a bent knee fall out which I can do on the right, but the left is a total fail.

While laying on my back with my feet flat, knees up she had me do a bent knee fall out with the right (simple enough) and then the left. All I could do was laugh as I tried to pull my leg back up and I couldn’t get it to budge. I pulled it up with my hand and my PT just laughed saying yup ok that’s an issue. Oops. She had me try doing a clam with my left while laying on my right side… hahaha that was not going to happen no matter how hard I tried. I just had to laugh again, but I think that those laughs were my way of choking back tears of frustration and disappointment; upset over the fact that I simply could not make that action happen without major assist from my PT.

Flipping over to my stomach I was able to move my right leg in extension fairly well and my left, well I barely got it off the table and my knee bent. Wonderful. UGH. That’s about the only work of frustration to describe the left at that point. She went to work on my spine and see if there were any trouble spots in my lower back. At one point I arched forward into the table cause it hurt where she pressed. That’s L3, my PT informed me that L3 is where the nerve root comes out that heads to my quad… hmm… connection? Maybe? Who knows at this point. Just something to keep in mind.

When I stood up and we worked on weight shifting my left crumbled under me no matter how hard I fought to keep my knee straight. We headed over to the leg press instead, where my right in a single leg press did really well with three sets of ten at 50, but the left… haha I just have to laugh again. Laughing cures all right? Well the left shook and didn’t even make it to being straight at 20. Flipping heck. I did really well with the right going up on my toes. You straighten your leg and let your heel hang off the leg press platform and then just raise up on your toes. Simple and familiar to a dancer and I was proud to see that I could do them. Of course getting from place to place in the clinic I am working on walking with a semi- normal gate, crutches, left, right. This is something that is going to become easier as my right one gets stronger and can bear full weight for longer periods of time. At the moment, that time frame is short. The left is just a source for tripping myself and that’s about the only purpose it serves besides helping me keep my balance. To facilitate walking as normal as possible with crutches, we lock my left knee back, and then do exactly as I said earlier, crutch, left, right. This will of course progress but this is the start and already I am going longer distances. There is a quick 30 second video clip below of how walking is going. My right is following a relatively normal gait pattern (no longer turned out!) and the left is braced to keep it from completely collapsing under me. Neither one really takes full weight at any time.

So all that PT stuff is fine and dandy and sure I can rattle off to you the facts of what happened during the session, but I want to focus on the feeling that I have in my hip. It does not move! Did you hear me world? MY HIP IS STABLE!! It is extremely hard for me to describe to any of you who have not been through the feeling of loose and unstable hips. For years I felt like everything was just moving around in my joint, never felt like I had a stable surface and I learned to adapt but it still felt all loosey goosey, and certainly created problems the more internal derangements it caused. Now here I was doing these exercises on my right leg, and my hip finally felt like it was not going to go anywhere! The pain is still there but it is very different from prior to surgery. To have two hips that are stable and feel like they are in place is incredible and I don’t know how else to say it. It is the first time in my life that I am feeling this in both hips. Its an indescribable feeling, one of the best things that I have had. I only wish the left one was in the same place as the right function wise.

So torture hours have begun, I am going to focus on strengthening the right and getting it to a point where it can be my main support again to not only go short distances but long ones as well. I am more than ready to push that one through recovery to make it the best that it can be. And in the mean time I need to try to not let the left one get on my nerves. I am grateful to be back with the same physical therapist that I have known for many years, and so thankful that she is here with me every step of the way to figure this out and to work with me to be as functional as I can.

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will”

-Mahatma Ghandi

Dreams Don’t Just Happen…

Posted by emi2hips in Hip Journey and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Christmas Trees and Snow... I forgot my camera, so the pictures were taken on my phone. Couldn't go without documentation of the origin of our christmas tree!

We make them happen. I was reminded of this earlier today, however lets start back a bit more and come back around to this principle of “we make our dreams happen.” Friday, nearly a week ago now (feels more like a month) I mentioned that my Dad and I drove up to VT to pack up the apartment. I would like to pick up where I left off (just briefly) for the rest of the weekend. The best part of being in VT, or parts I should say, were getting the Chrsitmas tree while trekking through a bit of snow, seeing my much loved family, and just being surrounded by snow again! Getting the Christmas tree has been an event that I have loved since I was young. To take the sled out in the snow and search through the trees looking for just the right one. They all look so small out there covered in snow, however once you get it inside it looks like it grew both in height and width just over the car ride home!

The paths were icy, and had a good six inches of snow that had fallen in a pristine white blanket with the few disturbing footprints of eager christmas tree seekers like my Dad and I. Eventually though, our hands frozen and my hips certainly tired, we came across the “perfect” tree for this year. With my hips I am unable to help cut it down, therefore my Dad does that job; of course I can not help drag it back or carry it either. So I just walk behind my Dad who is dragging the sled warning him if it starts to slip one way or the other. You wouldn’t believe either how many comments I got from people who were apparently shocked to see someone on crutches out trekking through the snow to get the Christmas tree. Its all about the fun, and the mental state that it puts one in really.

Later that evening my Aunt and Uncle as well as my younger cousin assisted my Dad, Roommate and me in moving everything out of the

Timber! The Tree is Cut... Can't wait to decorate it!

apartment. Unfortunately, as much as I may have wanted to carry objects all I could do was pack, and then wait till everything was loaded in the car. I provided the snacks though- good old homemade oreos. That has to count for something here! We finished up the night with my cousins hockey game, which definitely made for a fun night.

My hip did not tolerate this adventure to Vermont very well to say the least. The drive up left it swollen to the point where it looked as though it could just pop like a balloon, and the ride home was really no different. To add to the swelling on the return trip, there was a lot of sharp stabbing pains going through my iliac crest (thats the bone that you can feel part of along the anterior/ front of your hip area) with every move I made. This pain was definitely something new to me, and still today it is a bothersome, irritating feeling. I of course do not think I helped this when I wacked my hip dead on to the ASIS (anterior superior iliac spine) on the corner of my desk. That was a moment where I just fell back and had to sit for a moment till the initial pain was dulled.

Monday, the pain in both my left and right hip was just not quite tolerable. My physical therapist took it very easy on me; we did not practice any “walking” and avoided most activities that required active motion of either of my hips. It was a shorter session of course, but I was grateful. Sleeping has been rough especially as the pain has not been under the best control. When sleep is rough, it makes the next day that much more difficult, sometimes that includes PT (though I do my best to not let it have an effect on the sessions). I have not physically or mentally been feeling great.

The events of Tuesday bring me back to the topic of today’s post “dreams don’t just happen,” although to be honest, lately I have been wishing they just would. Then again, what would we learn from the journey of reaching our dreams if it didn’t take at least a bit of work. The achievement of a dream is very much a way of justifying that our struggle was for something I suppose. If naught for my dreams, I would not be here at the moment still pushing through school, still trying to have some semblance of a life as I attempt to move through my hip journey, still trying to keep a sense of purpose. I recently wrote a post about dreams but there is a special person who causes me to bring them up again so soon. I met with her on Tuesday, which just may be one of the best days of this entire calendar year, simply because of our reuniting. The understanding and the trust that was so immediately achieved is unbelievable; it even amazed me how quickly we connected as though no time had passed at all. I wish that I could help her realize what a special person she is, and that her story is going to do more than just teach her a lesson, but inspire others as well.

She is the one who brought up dreams to me and got the gears in my brain working, thinking about dreams; that they are not achieved by themselves, but rather with the help of their dreamer. Sometimes the struggle may be stepping outside of your comfort zone, to reach out and to trust those who are willing to help. I find one of the hardest things is believing; believing you have what it takes to get through, that the strength is not something you must acquire but rather something you must find within, to even believe that you have enough of it somewhere in there. To believe is half the battle to making a dream happen. To believe, is to begin taking small steps to overcome. To dream, to give someone hope, to believe, these are all very weighted phrases, yet are essential to making it through this thing called life.

As I continue here in my mumble jumble of a blog post today (I have got to stop posting so early in the morning and leaving so many days to update about, as it makes for some interesting combinations of topics within posts), I just want to mention Wednesday’s events. I was wakened by my phone ringing loudly “… and this christmas, will be…” which I finally answered when I realized I was not dreaming. This started with a painful twist of the hips and the best hello I could possibly produce from my tired, now in pain body. A nurse from the clinic was calling to inform me that an EMG was scheduled for Thursday (tomorrow, now today) in the afternoon, and that I would be following up with my surgeon on Monday. Well this got discussed a bit more between my surgeon and I through out the day and at the end of it all it was left as the EMG is going to happen Thursday, and then I will meet with him at the end of his day on Monday. The EMG will give us a bit more information to start figuring out some very large lingering questions, that at the moment are doing nothing but make my head spin.

I then went to PT Wednesday evening, after heading to the clinic to pick up new prescriptions that we are going to use for a bit and see if pain management is a least slightly better. PT was a long 2 hours of work with my left. The hip flexors were very tight, which we think is because I have been in more of an upright sitting position from all the driving. This is not a pleasant experience. I am constantly working to strengthen that leg, as it still is quite weak and fatigues extremely fast. When I start out I feel like “Em today is the day when you are going to get through without being fatigued,” but then by the 3rd one, I realize that my leg is just going to fatigue quickly and that is going to be how it goes. One of the new things we added in was simply standing with my weight as centered as possible. No movement at all just standing there. I am not quite centered, still putting slightly more weight on my right than my left, however to me it seems like my weight is completely shifted left. Such a bizarre feeling. The goal is to get my weight centered. To add to this strange sensory experience, my left (the operated hip) feels stable and the right one feels quite unstable and in need of assistance sooner than later.

The session was finished with ice, and I do not feel that there are any major progressions that need to be discussed here. Of course we could delve into the argument that I being the patient does not see the improvement all the time but I am not going to go there today. I think I am going to work on believing in myself and being an active participant in making my dreams happen rather than being a bystander (whether intentional or not). Those dreams are all encompassed in left, right med school. Some dreams may have died, however those three are still alive and well; walking of course is involved in there somewhere.

Day 50… But Who’s Counting?

Posted by emi2hips in Hip Journey, Uncategorized and tagged with , , ,

Alright I’ve got a new one for you to try. Knee extensions, trying to activate the quad muscles.

Seated knee extensions: Right now it doesn't get much harder than this (its extremely HARD for me).... that wont last for long though!

You are probably sitting in a chair reading this, so basically just straighten your knee. How many of these do you think you could do? Again, this seems so simple right? Well to me this is another one of those where I stare at my leg in disbelief wishing I could will it to work; unfortunately it doesn’t quite work like that. I can get a set of ten done, but it is very shaky and by the end of the second set of ten I need a little help to reach the very end point where your knee is straight out.

It is a working progress. Though progress never seems to go quite as fast as I would like it to. My hips seem to be on a schedule of their own moving along at their desired speed. In case you were wondering this is just the opposite of what I want. But hey that’s how progress works, and therefore we must approach it in small steps; looking at very small goals. The other night my surgeon said something to me that I think may help put it in perspective:

Hopefully the trees on my "mountain" are a bit closer than these. I have a very long way to go, the top is very far from sight. For now that is okay.

Think of this as one of a few giant mountains you are hiking. You are tired and just want to get to the top, but you can’t just skip up to there, you have to go along the path. So you start by looking at a tree just 10 feet ahead of you, and that is your next goal; to get to that tree. You keep doing this and before you know it you have passed a hundred trees and eventually you have made it to the top. Just because you made it to the top does not mean that you are not hurt and tired, but you made it. Right now we are on the first of numerous trees, in the midst of multiple mountain peaks.

“What is this first tree?” I questioned, because I honestly needed him to tell me that beneath the looming goal of walking there are many little goals that present themselves as a little less daunting. Tomrrow’s he said is simply ten knee extensions, to do them well, to get that quad working and if you can not do it tomorrow then it is the week’s goal. Simply?! Well I made it my personal goal to not only do these 10 knee extensions, but to do them well; I guess that makes this a goal for my week (on top of all my other exercises).

PT went okay today. It was a lot of work, as it should be, but it also left my right hip in a considerable amount of sharp stabbing pain and my left hip aching from mid thigh to my waist. This is PT; you have to work through some of this though if you are going to get anywhere. Lucky for me I have such a wonderful, encouraging therapist who I think believes in me as much as I should believe in myself. Recovery is a difficult time period and it is not about to get any easier.

Off to sleep until tomorrow…

Emi