No update from the hospital this week. The scheduler supposedly should be letting me know a whole slew of dates that will be involved in the process of this surgery. Thus, I anxiously await.
I received a phone call today however from a friend, and something unfortunate had happened to one of her loved ones. She however, knew nothing about it, just knew that something bad had happened. As she talked to me I was brought back to the times when everything on my case had seemed to come to a standstill and to when my Dad had been in the hospital and I didn’t know what was going on for a while. It’s the unknown, and rarely do I think we ponder on that topic because frankly, it’s just not pleasant.
From my own experience, to be in the unknown is to be left in the dark with a million possibilities. I run over them all in my head from the best to the worst and my mind never calms down; it just keeps running, and building speed as it goes. Honestly it is a form of mental self torture. When in that unknown place it is very hard to get your mind to think of other things, no matter how much you may want to change the topic of your thoughts.
Even now I at least know that I am going in for a fourth surgery, there is a solution of some sort, and I know in general what it consists of but there are still many factors that have yet to be decided. This I consider to be on the fringes of the unknown. You know enough to keep yourself going through each day, with a little less curiosity, but your mind continues to run still faster and faster with every possibility. For me, this is just as much a struggle as the unknown, and this is where I am now. I have to actually work to get through each day, to divert my thoughts away from the present situation because it impacts every moment of my everyday. I wish I could explain it better, but it is one of those things that one needs to experience to understand the unknown in its entirety. It’s scary, exhilarating, nerve-wracking, adn believe it or not you become quite exhausted.
On a slightly different note, the past few days have flown by. So much to do!! I love being
busy but the unfortunate thing is that when I have more to do, it often makes my hips worse and this week has been no exception.
Today my Dad helped me move into an apartment up at UVM. We packed up the truck as
much as we could with a chair, tables, kitchenware, and everything else you can possibly think may be a necessity to apartment living. Crutches are not the best things to help with a move in (although the LL Bean duffle bags can easily be slung onto your back in a book pack fashion). Nonetheless, the move in went smoothly with the help of my Uncle, and two cousins. Once my roommate is there the place should be in full swing!
As I write this (hoping to post it tonight) we are on our way home just for a few days since I have an anniversary cake to finish. Hopefully it turns out okay so I can post pictures later! Drives with these hips are another discussion that I should have with you (especially for the few fellow “hippies” who are reading), as long drives are very uncomfortable. So between driving for this move and standing for hours packing and working on the anniversary cake my hips are exhausted and in pain. The right one, which we have been pushing for the last year and a half is just hanging in here, thankfully I can still stand on it at the moment. The left is what I call “angry,” referring to the fact that it really hurts, to the point where nothing really seems to make it better. If I find any good solutions I’ll let you know but so far I haven’t found any.
We’re off to make a cake… crossing my fingers the cake survives the humidity and my hips survive all the stress.
I must add, Anna, I got your message and it didnt seem like you were having a good day, and I figured maybe I would put this up (despite the fact that I am in the middle of making frosting ) and hopefully it gives you a good distraction for a bit. Things will get better, I know its a big roller coaster, and I think that this “unknown” fits you perfectly as you wait for the 24th.